Dealing With Your Parents Separation

Finding out about your parents’ separation can be such a huge shock that it doesn’t even feel real. Lots of young people initially cannot believe that their parents have truly separated.

Here you can find ways to cope with the shock and see how other teenagers reacted when they found out about their parents’ separation. Dealing with the shock of your parents’ relationship breaking down can be a very traumatic process and, if your family is going through this now, you already know that its a deeply distressing experience for everyone.

This may be a particularly confusing time for you when you find yourself caught between being a child in your family and yet, as a teenager, trying to relate to the situation and everyone around you with a more mature attitude. You may feel as though your world has turned upside-down, and you don’t know who or what to trust.

You won’t believe it now but things will get better. It is important to remind yourself that your parents’ separation is about their relationship, there is nothing you have done to cause their separation and there is nothing you can do to change it.

Take a look at these tips for coping to help you deal with the shock. Is it just me? You may feel quite alone in the experience of your parents separating, but it is an experience shared by many. Statistics show that over 200,000 people in Ireland are separated (CSO, 2012).

Marital breakdown is increasing fast in Ireland and the number of young people who, like you, are dealing with their family changing is also growing continually.

Try to focus your attention on what is helpful for you, what helps you cope. Parents are experiencing lots of emotions at this difficult time. Initially, it will be difficult for them to communicate with each other in a reasonable way and this is often the time when you begin to find yourself being asked to pass messages from one to the other.

Why our family?

There are many reasons why parents might get divorced. Typically separation happens when couples feel they cannot live with each other anymore, maybe due to anger and fighting or because the love they once shared when they were together has changed.

Separation can also occur if one parent falls in love with someone else, and sometimes it could be due to a serious issue such as alcoholism, abuse, or gambling. In some situations nothing bad happens but parents just choose to separate. You need to remember that your parents’ separation is because of issues between them and their relationship.

Their separation has nothing to do with you. It is not your fault. At the moment what your parents want may be the opposite of what you want. Step away from your parents’ conflict and continue with your own life by keeping up to date with school, spending time with your friends, and taking part in your usual activities.

At first it is completely normal to be so worried about your parents’ separation that you can’t concentrate on schoolwork, see your friends, or participate in your regular hobbies. But you need to be able to put some distance between yourself and your parents so that you can continue to live your own life.

If you become the messenger between your parents then you may find yourself caught in the crossfire between them. Messages you bring will often be misjudged and misinterpreted. You might even find yourself accused of taking sides. You may end up with very conflicting feelings.

At some point you will face pressure to be more loyal to one parent over the other. You will feel torn between them both but it’s important not to take sides. This creates a dilemma as both your parents will be looking to you for support. It will be a struggle and will take a lot of effort for you to stay neutral and not get caught up in issues that belong to your parents and only they can sort out.

Having to decide when to give the message or worrying about the response will give you a lot of unnecessary stress. It is not good for you to be caught in the middle of this.

During and after your parents’ separation you need to adjust to many losses; the loss of your parent who you do not live with, the loss of the security of feeling loved and cared for by both parents, the loss of familiar daily routines, the loss of family traditions, the loss of your whole way of life, the loss of your childhood and the loss of your family as you knew it.

Expressing your feelings is very important. This makes a lot of young people feel very angry at their parents for doing such a terrible thing to them. You need to express any anger you experience and let someone know about your feelings, needs and ideas.

You may also look for the cause of your parents’ separation in something that you did – or didn’t do. It is important to remember that your parents’ separation is about their relationship and it is not your fault. When you manage to forgive your parents and yourself, you will feel more powerful and more in control of your life.

When parents break up it’s as though your whole world has crumbled and the world is not a safe place anymore, you can’t rely on anything. You also realise that your parents are not super heroes, they are just human after all, they don’t have all the answers, they get scared and they make mistakes.